The Bizarre Sexual Habits of Early Christians
It’s a common meme that early Christianity began with a bunch of chaste fellows in frocks, the gossipy un-laid geeks of the Roman Empire. On a Saturday night instead of having dates they might share the Facebook posts of their savior who had been banned from all earthly forums for his political incorrectness; tend to the downtrodden for much-needed “like’s”; or perhaps promote a social cause like the plight of starving lions.
But the reality is that some early Christians might have been more like Peter North and less like Peter Rock. These Spring Break Christians interpreted the Bible in even more bizarre ways than Fred Phelps. To wit, following Jesus was foreplay and salvation was coming (literally)!
Church fathers wrote volumes against these sectarian libertines (cough…twisted perverts), usually lumping them into the “Gnostic” category. After the “Gnostics” were forced to swim with the vesicae piscis, Christianity used similar polemics against such groups as Jews, Pagans, witches and children who read Harry Potter. Although it’s likely the Church fathers were conducting tabloid warfare to marginalize their theological opponents, it’s deliciously ironic that many of them were just as sexually deviant!*
Regardless, something bizarre, kinky and depraved was certainly brewing within pubescent Christendom, making many converts proud to carry around heavy wood like their master!
Here are some of the randiest followers of Hey-sus in early Christian times:
The Euchites (Greek for “praying men”)
These fish-eaters from Edessa believed that Satan contaminated every part of a person’s body, soul and mind. The only solution to cure Lucifer’s spiritual herpes was to continually dance and drink wine all day while reciting the Lord’s Prayer. They partied like it was 999! Needless to say, the Euchites had trouble holding down jobs and were forced into begging (they were also dubbed “The Lazy Men”, for some reason). At night, they slept in parks and unwound through group shagging, swapping as many partners as they could before the sun rose and turned them back to River Dancers. These neoplatonic dynamites disdained any authority, migrated a lot, and leeched off society as much as they could. Today, they are the kind of people Californians love to make the government support but don’t want seen in their Caucasian neighborhoods. Their teachings are said to be the inspiration for the first Woodstock and the musical Hair.
Spread across much of the Middle East, they were considered the filthiest and horniest Bible thumpers around. The Borborites took their marching orders from an apocryphal text called The Great Question of Mary. In this scripture, Jesus takes Mary Magdalene to the top of the Mount of Olives for what seems to be a romantic picnic. Instead, the “it’s-good-to-be-the-King-of-Kings” pulls out one of his ribs and turns it into a Kardashian-looking Eve. They perform the pompatus of love in front of Mary, whose reaction indicates that experimenting wasn’t something she ever considered in college. Worse of all, Jesus drinks from their leftover love-juices and tells Mary that this is the real elixir of salvation.
Jesus often says in the Bible, “go and do likewise.” The Borborites took it at heart!
This sect from Alexandria believed that the only way to escape the wheel of death and rebirth was to experience every possible earthly sin until the soul went “WFT?” and departed to Heaven. The Benny Hills of Christianity got this doctrine from one passage in the Gospel of Luke (12:59), where Jesus states, “I tell you, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny.” A penny for your fucks, the Carpocratians must have guessed, and thus immersed themselves in orgiastic rites that would make the Playboy Mansion seem like an episode of The Wiggles. The accusation that the Carpocratians used semen and menstrual blood as an ingredient for their host was probably later borrowed by the Borborites (and much later Aleister Crowley for his Gnostic Mass). Easily the most shocking allegation was their birth control practice—if a female member became pregnant, an abortion was induced and the mangled fetus would then be eaten as a holy meal by the congregation. This practice was obviously borrowed by Fat Bastard from Austin Powers.
Actually this Gnostic sect was considered pretty upstanding within Christendom. The Valentinians were moderate in their sexual proclivities, by any standards. Their only idiosyncrasy was the reports that during sexy-time, both couples were commanded to hold the image of Jesus Christ in their minds. For a woman, seeing Barry Gibb or Jim Caviezel floating in her thoughts wouldn’t have been too much of an obstruction to attaining the little death. But to a man the idea of a romantic encounter with Kenny Logins would be a shrinking proposition in all possible ways!
Needless to say, the Valentinians vanished quickly from history.
Many of these porn allegations were more than likely invented to destroy the reputation of the more independent Christian denominations of antiquity. Even among the “orthodox” factions, sexual-perversion tweets could suddenly materialize during a doctrinal dispute—like how many chakras Jesus had in his body three minutes and two seconds before he died on the cross. Such historical histrionics must be taken with a grain of salt and a tablet of Viagra for the men who will visualize Jesus Christ tonight in bed when it’s time to make some bacon with the missus.
In other words, it’s all really just jive talkin’ and jive screwin’!
*That’s me blue-balling you and this publication’s editor for a follow-up article. But they do include Saint Augustine, Jerome and Origen and many others.
[The material for this erotic encounter was taking from several of church father writings, including the Panarion Epiphanius of Salamis, Stromateis by Clement of Alexandria and Against Heresies by Irenaeus of Lyons. Some of the material was harmonized by the excellent insights found in Jaques LaCarriere’s book, The Gnostics.]
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